Aunt B

Aunt B passed away.
My heart is still so sad.
People say their comforting words
she lived a long life,
she is at peace,
she is out of pain,
she is with those she loves.
It doesn't help.
Nobody understands.
She was mine.
She was my link to the past.
She was my link to my mom.
I still have the urge to care for her.
To visit her in the hospital.
I cry when I pass by it.
I cry when I see old people.
Because I miss her so much.
She was feisty, opinionated, and loyal to me.
I could do no wrong.
She loved me unconditionally. She loved me a lot.
I loved her stories.
Her love for her husband and her parents.
Her devotion to her siblings.
Her family first views.
Her happy place was in her condo
looking over the valley at night.
Watching the planes land, and toasting them with some wine.
That's where I have put her in my mind.
I am not ready to tuck her away
as a great memory.
She grounded me.
And now I feel lost.

Kids Sleeping...not.

I think my kids have it in for me. They don't sleep. Josh and Haley would stay up all night if I let them. Max begs me to cuddle with him and then falls asleep. So that's great, I love that kid for that reason. Haley stays up later than me. I can't stay up that late. She has always loved to stay up late. I remember when she was little, we would lay in her room and I would put in a movie that would for sure put her to sleep, BAMBI. If you can make it through the opening credits of Bambi, and not fall asleep, then you are a true champ. I, am no champ. I fall asleep before the Director credit is on screen. I would come to about half way through the movie, and there is Haley, bright eyed like it is some suspense thriller. So I don't even try with Haley.

Last night I swear Josh was up three times. The first time was a blood curdling scream that would raise me from the dead. I go clomping into his room expecting him to be handing me a bloody stump and he says, "I can't find the remote." For the love. I said Josh, it is time to sleep. Don't worry about the remote because I am turning off your TV. Go potty. He does, and cuddles in bed and goes to sleep. Then about 2 hours later, "Mommmmm." Again, I go running in there like a drunken sailor, what? "I want to change my underwear," he says. I am not making this stuff up. This actually happened. I said, ok, change your underwear. Here is a pair, put these on. Go potty. Now go to bed. The last time he woke up, he just quietly appeared at my bed, gets right in my face and says, "mom, I'm cold." Ok, get in my bed. Which means, I have to get up, because Troy and Max are there too. So I go lay in Josh/Max's bed for another 15 minutes until my alarm goes off. I think to myself, when was the last time I really slept through the night. I can't remember. Haley is 12, it was probably before then. I have been married for 18 years, Troy hasn't gone to bed before 10:00 in our entire marriage. So it was probably around 1985 when I slept through the night. That's ok. I am not complaining too much. I know someday I will get too much sleep and the kids won't be around. I try to remember that when I am clomping into their bedrooms all night.

I've Truly Lost it now.

Aunt B is not happy in the hospital. She is as fragile as she can be and sometimes those nurses and aides can be rough. Today, I had enough of seeing Aunt B cry. I am taking her home. I wanted to perform my Shirley McClain impersonation in Terms of Endearment and start screaming, give my daughter her pain pill! But I didn't. As the "Team" gathered to give me their assessment of Aunt B, it was all I could do to not unplug the bed and wheel her home in it. I mean it is only a few blocks from my house. As good as some of the nurses were there, they didn't get it. They don't understand her needs. They talk to her like she is retarded, they poke, grab, tape and hurt her. Aunt B deserves better. When my Aunt Charlotte was in a nursing home begging to come home, I didn't do it. I was 23 and didn't have the "Hutspa" as I do now. I have regretted not taking her home and caring for her. After talking it over with Troy, we decided to try to care for Aunt B at home. I am nervous that I won't be able to do it. She can't walk, stand, or even sit up. I just think she will get better quicker at home. I hope it works out. Troy is awesome to help out. He said to me that we are a team in this, and we will do it together. Wow, that's pretty amazing.